The 25-40 group went to "Music and the Spoken Word" this morning. Alicia and I went together and got to the tabernacle on Temple square and met up with the group.
We walked in sat down. I ended up sitting next to a guy who I will name "Sunday Guy". He had a presence about him that drew me to him and I wanted to get to know him and figure out his story.
We starting by asking each other questions about where we work, where we are from, and our interests. I think I had only asked him 4 questions when he threw out that he had been married, as casual as "hey how are you today", was I shocked? Maybe for a second...til I could register what he just said. My thought was if he's married then why is he with a bunch of singles this morning? I guess my response to him telling me this was one he was OK with because after finishing what he was saying "Sunday Guy" elaborated on the marriage point and I wasn't so confused. His divorce was final in November and he has 4 boys under the age of eight. I had respect for him for being up front, open and willing to share so much of his life to a stranger that he had just met 10 minutes earlier. He then turned to me and asked me if I had and I said "no I've never married" and he responded with "yet". He was right someday I will! It was nice to feel relaxed and bring no ideas or assumptions to the table while getting to know another human being. No strings attached just learning about each other. "Sunday Guy" had an inner strength that I was impressed with.
After the program was over the group mingled outside. Without the benches to keep us together to talk and being with a group, it made it harder to continue the conversation with "Sunday Guy". We did though converse a bit while in the visitor center for a group picture and mingling. I checked the time and realized that if I didn't leave now I wouldn't be prepared for sharing time at 1:00. I wasn't sure what to say or how to end things and so Alicia and I just left. I'm hoping at some point our paths will cross and it will be nice to continue to get to know "Sunday Guy".
Lesson I learned is that no matter how many bad experiences there will always be a few good ones.
Second lesson I learned is to be open when I feel calmness.
Yeah for Sunday Guy!
So I joined a group about 2 months ago for anyone 25-40 to get out and do activities together. I was a bit skeptic but felt so much better today after I read what the rules are for being able to participate. The fact that other women feel the same way I do about older single activities and the older guys that come made me feel a bit more normal in my quest to get out more often. My thoughts are voiced by Rodney who set up the group. Enjoy Rodney's words and the fact that I totally agree!
"First of all let me say thank you for joining the Get Out! group. It’s been great to see the group grow over the last few weeks.
I’ve been told I can be long-winded. So for those of you who want nothing but the cold, hard facts you can read #1 and skip the rest. ;-)
1. I WILL CHECK IDs at EVERY ACTIVITY! A few have ignored the age limit for the group, so everyone needs to bring ID to the activities. If you are over the age limit of 40 (42 if you have friends in the group) you will not get in, period!
The reason I started this group was to cater to those of us who aren’t part of the YSA crowd nor feel comfortable at midsingles activities because there is too much age diversity, with people from 31-70. We feel like the babies in the crowd, especially with people old enough to be our parents present.
The decision to cap the age at 40 came after much consideration and discussion with friends. We all have very good friends whom we knew would be excluded because they are over the age of 40. The age cap is not intended to offend anyone. It is intended to make sure there is at least a common age range, and thus similar experiences and circumstances in life.
Most girls are too kind to say this to guys; so I’ll say it for them. A unanimous input I heard from every girl I talked with was the complaint about being hit on by much older men, some old enough to be their fathers. There are many who attend family wards, just as I did, because of the huge age diversity in midsingles wards. Girls get stalked by older men and so they choose to stay in a family ward. I realized I could sit at home and complain about the lack of fun activities that cater specifically to those in my age group and circumstance, or I could do something about it. I chose to do something about it. The Get Out! group is the result.
Many said they won’t come if there isn’t an age cap. I made this group specifically for that reason. Some have taken offense and become angry with me because of the age cap. It’s something I can live with, you can blame me, I made the decision. The benefits of getting those of us in this age range out socializing and developing new friendships is something I felt needed to happen.
I tried to be direct, but diplomatic about the age cap when I wrote the group rules. However, seeing people up to 60 years old join, I realize some are going to ignore the rule and hope it isn’t enforced. I’m going to put it very bluntly now, so there is no misunderstanding or confusion. Age is a determining factor in many things in life, get over it! The church has age caps: you can be in Primary only until you’re 11; 18 is the cap to be in young men/women programs, YSA wards are 18-30, midsingles wards 31-45. Many other minimum and maximum age requirements exist in life: the Boy and Girl Scouts have age caps; you must be 18 to vote, 30 to be a senator, 35 to be president; to get senior discounts you must be 50+. To be part of the Get Out! group you must be 25-40—it is not a suggestion!
The line had to be drawn somewhere. I realize some are just older than 40. The one compromise I will make is: If you have friends in the group, you will be allowed into the activities if you are a max of 42 years old. If I make any more exceptions it will break down and become the same kind of 31+ crowd that has kept so many of us from being part of other activities and conferences. I promised many I would enforce the age cap in order to get them to come out and give this group a try, and I will keep that promise.
As I said, many of us have great friends over 40. This is not intended to ostracize or offend anyone, but rather an attempt to socially involve and activate a group that lacks opportunities to have fun and meet others in our age range. I hope you can recognize and respect what I’ve tried to create for those of us in the 25-40 age group. If you feel you are part of an underserved age group, I encourage you to start your own group.
Thank you for your time and understanding on this matter.
Sincerely,
Rodney S. Rex"
A couple of Monday's ago I went with a couple of girls in my ward to an FHE for ages 30-40. I know what your thinking...will there really only be people there between 30-40? We'll the girls were, and well...maybe half the guys. Here's my question? Why is it that most of the time when I go to these activities, that the ones either hitting on me or just talking to me end up being the ones who don't fit in the advertised age range? I feel awkward, and get defensive and shut down!!! Like I have to protect myself in some way. Is that the way I should feel when going to a function with other church members? Maybe I'm reading into it too much and should just relax. But when I get that gut feeling (my still small voice?) it takes over all reasoning and I react as I do. When I did online dating, the only guys interested in me were the guys 45 and older and that was when I was 10 years younger than I am now. I'm seeing a pattern, not the pattern I expected for my life, but a pattern. Where are the guys closer to my age? Are they all married? Hiding from Me?
So while at this activity I actually found a guy around 36 and we were talking. In the midst of this conversation this guy who we will name "Monday Guy" who from my guessing is in his later 40's and not my type managed to get my attention for probably 2 minutes and to be honest I don't remember what we even talked about. So when I was ready to get out of there and had ended my conversation with 36 year old guy "Monday Guy" ended up sitting next to me on the couch and telling me that he liked my hair and that no one else would be able to pull it off but me. I was actually having a bad hair day and it was curly and poofy! Monday Guy went on about my HAIR for about 5 minutes, it's hair man, move on! I honestly don't think I was all that nice to him cause I didn't want "Monday Guy" to think I was at all interested and have another stalker on my hands. In the end "Monday Guy" asked to be my friend on facebook and I think I said whatever and later wished I had said No.
Poor "Monday Guy" a little too desperate for me and some very obvious reasons why he is still single. Monday Guy went home immediately and added me as a friend on facebook. For about a week I couldn't decide if I should be his friend and hit the confirm button, and inturn not hurt his feelings, or take charge and hit the ignore button and not worry about hurting his feelings. I ended up hitting the ignore button and I'm sure at some point I will run into "Monday Guy" and I will have to come up with a reason why I didn't add him and why I still won't add him. But for now I'm not worrying about it.
Lesson I learned is like the lesson I learned about giving out my phone number. If I don't want them as a friend on facebook I can say no since it's my choice and my agency.
Second Lesson I learned is I better come up with my reasons why I don't just give out my phone number and full name to just anybody before I'm asked again!
With older age a common idea is "set-up dates". I get lots of people who will ask if I want to be set up with their friends or someone they know. Half the time...Well practically 98% of the time it never happens. My first thought is, how well do you know them and second do they really want to be set up and not forced to be set up? Many times they tell me about the guy and he seems great and I get all excited to meet him and go out but when it comes down to it, it doesn't happen. I again question in my mind why it didn't go through.
In June while traveling from Washington back to Utah with Adam and Kym, we stopped at an old college buddy of Adam's to talk to him and his wife. I spent most of the time either talking to this friends wife or listening to them talk about their good old college days. To this day I don't know what I said or did, but it must have made an impression which I didn't think was all that possible in such a short time. But anyways a few days later I got a call from Kym. Adam's friend wanted to set me up with his really good friend who lives in Springville and wanted to know if I would go out with him. Blind is hard but going by the fact that this guy was a really cool person I said yes. He did call weeks later on a Sunday in July. We talked on the phone for a half hour or so and had a great conversation. It was decided that with both of our busy schedules we would go out on Tuesday and he would drive to Salt Lake. I didn't know what to expect and I hoped that he had a plan of where we were going, cause I hate having to make that decision!
He called before he was supposed to be there to tell me that he would be a bit late, which I like so he was already on my good graces. He showed up and he wasn't anything of what I was expecting. What did I think I was going to expect for heavens sake it was a blind date! He had already decided where we were going and asked if it was OK with me. Triple good graces with having it planned and then asking my opinion.
He already had a jump start from the beginning. He was great guy material. My problem...was that I was thinking of "Spring/Summer Guy"! Why?...well "July Guy" asked me out a week before I asked "Spring/Summer Guy" out and was turned down. If only I could have seen the future. I felt that we had a good time but if I hadn't been so infatuated with "Spring/Summer Guy" I may have put more effort forward and given him more signs.
We talked non-stop at dinner and then walked around the Gateway. He was tall and dark with broad shoulders, so I felt very small and extremely short next to him. We drove back to my place and he walked me to my door. I didn't know what to do so the scene was less than perfect and not how I would have had it turn out. We exchanged our last names and in my head thought "if I were to marry him my name would be Amy Lyn Lynn! Crazy...good thing for maiden names as middle initials. He asked if he could call me the next week to go out and since it had gone so well I said yes.
Well 8 weeks later and finally fed up with "Spring/Summer Guy" It never dawned on me that "July Guy" hadn't called me and that so much time had passed. Why then did I think about it 8 weeks later? Well I got a message that he wanted to ask me out again but was worried that too much time had passed to be able to ask me out again. He had called his friend, who had called Adam who then asked Kym if she would ask me. My initial reaction was no. After taking out my petty reasons of why not to go out with him, it all came down to the fact that he was a really great guy and that I should give him another chance. I told Kym who told Adam who was supposed to call his friend to give "July Guy" the message. 2 weeks later "July Guy" still hadn't been told that I would go out with him. So I did what any stupid girl would do and took matters into my own hands and called "July Guy". Ya thought it was a good idea in the moment but after getting his voice mail and leaving what I thought was a casual message on September 21st, must not have been cause it's been 4 months and he's never returned my call.
Are you kidding me!%@# After everything and putting myself out there again and no response?! All I can say is I guess he just wasn't that into me!
Lesson I Learned: I don't know cause I'm still confused as to why he why he asked if I would go out with him again, and then to get no response.
Lesson I learned: Never get excited about any guy unless he has made huge efforts to be with me!
This spring brought months of flirtation with a guy of which I thought would turn into something. After months of waiting to know what was going on I asked him out and got "Well I'm sorta seeing someone, we see other people, I think I should give her the holidays since she's stuck with me so long, but ya we should do something together".
He said give him some time and he would figure out a time when we would go out together. During that time I had plenty of time to figure out what I would say to him when I turned him down. I'm not stupid! I know when three's a crowd. Who wants to be second in someones life? I'm not desperate enough to go for someone else's boyfriend. Because what I'm getting from him is he's still involved with her. Needless to say he never brought it up again so I didn't have to tell him to NO.
Lessons Learned:
I learned If a guy is interested he will make it happen, but if I'm tired of wondering what is going on, I have enough courage to ask what's going on.
I learned that some guys are always looking for something better just around the corner.
I learned that If a guy doesn't ask me out, he's just not that into me!
Last January I thought it would be good to attend some firesides for ages 31-45, thinking I would meet some new people in my age range. The first fireside I tried with my friend Mandy was at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building. It happened to snow a lot that day and the road conditions should have been our first clue that maybe the fireside was not such a good idea. We arrived late, found the chapel and within seconds...not minutes, seconds, realized that maybe we should have gone back to the car and gone home. After we sat down we turned to each other with a look of "oh my, what are we going to do". We were the youngest in the room by at least 15-50 years. I felt out of place and oh so creeped out! Right then and there we decided that as soon as it was over that we would get out of there as fast as we could, no refreshments no mingling. 20 minutes into the fireside the power went out. I did not think anything about it until it was over and we could not go down the elevator to my car or get out of the underground parking until the power came back on.
We were forced to mingle and wait. While waiting a guy in my ward, who i won't name introduced us to 2 guys he had just met last week. I have very little interactions with this guy in my ward for good reasons and being introduced to guys he just met probably wasn't the best idea. They weren't bad to talk to, they were just a bit over eager to be in our presence. Both were 45, never married. One we named "Old Mike" pressured us into giving him our phone numbers. Too bad we weren't smart enough to change one of the digits so it wouldn't work. Besides the 45 year old thing, Old Mike has never lived away from his parents and still lives with them in their home, and didn't have a job or schooling.
A phone call did come the next day and he left a message wanting us to get together the following Friday and Sunday. My gut feeling was to not return or answer his calls. He called again not 3 hours later. After Monday he called anywhere from 2-3 times a day for a whole week. He would call me and if I didn't answer he would then dial Mandy's phone. By the end of the week I was sick of his calling, messages and I felt downright uncomfortable. Is that the way men are supposed to make girls feel? Do they realize they do that? I finally had to have one of my male friends call him and tell him to leave me alone or he would get the police involved for stalking. It worked and I haven't had a call from "Old Mike" since.
Lessons I learned:
I learned to be more cautious when asked for my number. I shouldn't feel like I'm obligated to give my number to a guy just because he asked for it.
I learned that I can't be so worried about what they will think if I do what's best for me when turning them down by following my instinct or bad feeling.
I learned I'm not attending any more firesides for 31-45 year old's because it characteristically has 45-80 year old's in attendance. When it's announced 31-45 why do older singles attend as well? If it's for all ages than it needs to be advertised that way.
I learned I'm not comfortable dating or spending time with someone who is 10-13 years older than me, especially ones who still live with mom and dad.
I’ve been thinking, it’s 2010 and I’m not getting younger… Only wiser cause in my mind, I feel like I look and act young. I’m sure in some people’s minds I’m either really picky or there might just be something wrong with me. Well I’m here to say that I’m pretty normal… as normal as I can be, and if there were decent men or even slightly decent men knocking on my door to be picky about I could be but there aren’t. I’m going to say that it’s all in God’s hands and he hasn’t blessed me yet with my perfect match… or should I say my imperfect match. In the meantime the few dates or interactions with those of the opposite sex are just getting weirder and weirder and very scarce. I have to say though, sometimes scarce is a lot less exhausting and stressful!
Ann at work after hearing my last experience suggested that I blog about these moments because she thinks they are funny. So this year besides blogging about my fun family and friend outings I’m going to write on my blog all of the funny, uncomfortable and just downright miserable experiences I have with boys/older men and the things married people say to me about my singlehood. Hopefully it will only be for the next year, since I’ve decided to spend more time at older single events this year. I can’t say that I won’t have these experiences next year because my fate is in God’s hands and in the agency of myself and someone else. But a year of blogging about these experiences will be enough to look back on and be grateful for either being on my own, having opportunities to laugh, or having the ability to keep moving forward no matter the annoyance.
To start I’m going to blog of last year’s top flops and give everyone a preview of things to come. So here goes my interaction’s as a thirty something single woman living in Utah.
