Do you ever question what you are feeling?
I'm a person who hates change, especially when I don't want things to change, I like things just the way they are. On the other spectrum there are times when I want things to change because I'm ready, but I don't have any control over them changing and just have to exercise patience and hope they change. In times of change I get a weird gut feeling that I'm not going to be content for awhile and until things are settled I'm a bit off and stressed. Even in times when it will be a good thing I still get that same feeling, and it makes me wonder if I'm just letting fear and Satan influence me or if it really is not a good thing.
So am I truly understanding what exactly I'm feeling? For example when I bought my house I got this horrible feeling...why? I had no doubt in my mind that it was the right thing to do and 2 years later, its still clear to me that it was the best thing for me. So why do I feel the same thing for something bad and something good? Well with buying the house it was a very big thing and very very very stressful and I would be changing in a very big way on my own. So I thought I was getting a bad feeling when it was probably just fear coming out about change.
Lately I've been experiencing life in ways that I've not experienced them before. To be frank I'm out of my element and I'm analyzing everything. When I analyze things it in some ways gives me an excuse to feel a certain way. But I know analyzing everything will do me no good and it's not accurate. For so long to have purpose in my life I've filled it with lots to do and lots of people just to keep busy and not focus on what I don't have in my life at that moment or to be honest, so I don't feel alone or not needed. I am naturally a people pleaser and when I'm not needed I start to wonder what's going on. But there are those times where it's relaxing to not be needed.
The first night I met Smart Guy 2 1/2 months ago, one of the questions he asked me was about living by myself and if I got lonely. It was easy to answer. I said "no I've got plenty of things and people that keep my busy so I enjoy living alone." This worried my mom and dad a bit about saying that I wasn't lonely, so then I questioned, should I feel lonely? Should I have said I was lonely so I sounded available? I doubted my initial feeling and response. But I'm not a needy person so by nature I'm not going to be lonely and I feel good about that personality trait.
Since that question that night I've thought a lot about my answer and my life. Smart Guy has been and is a calming influence in my whirl of a life. This all comes down to really who I am and how I deal with things or live my life. When I am with Smart Guy I remember things about who I am that I have forgotten, the things I used to love to do that I don't do anymore, and all the things about myself I don't like. But if I am honest with who I am then I have to realize that my life will be a whirl that's just who I am but I can change it a bit by making it a more manageable whirl .
There are things I need to change but for the most part I like who I'm becoming. I'm working on changing how I feel like I need to please everyone around me, and to start deciding what I really want out of life. I focus so much on how my decisions of what I want to do will effect others if it means I say no to them. It's time to stop thinking about what others will think of me if I do something that's best for me. I need to be happy and doing the things I need to do. It's more important that I do what's right and pleasing God with living up to my potential.
I heard a line awhile ago that I've thought about a lot in the last couple of years and it's "I Can't Be Everything To Everyone." Have I actually believed in it and followed it?...NO, and my crazy over scheduled life is proof of that, and well I've decided to start. Why? Well to be as happy as I've been at other times in my life and have more peace in my life to figure out what's in store for me whether it's being single or married.
So here is to being OK with change and going with it!
